


Without You

by MaddieandChimney



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: F/M, Mentions of Anxiety
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-15
Updated: 2020-06-15
Packaged: 2021-03-04 04:34:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,177
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24727555
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MaddieandChimney/pseuds/MaddieandChimney
Summary: Chimney struggles on his first day back to work post Amelia being born, dad!Bobby is there to give him a shoulder to cry on and some advice.
Relationships: Maddie Buckley/Howie "Chimney" Han
Kudos: 9





	Without You

It’s his first day back after a month off, an entire four weeks of just enjoying being a first-time father. Four weeks of night feeds, dirty diapers, living in a world where it was mostly just the three of them trying to get used to their new adventure. He was absolutely exhausted, more so than he thought possible, but it had still been the most month of his life. Leaving his two girls to go to work was more of a struggle than he ever thought possible.

Hen was gone, he barely had anytime to get used to life as a paramedic without his best friend before Maddie gave birth. But now he was back, he was feeling the loss even more than she had when she initially said goodbye to the 118. The shift hadn’t even been a particularly difficult one – but he didn’t know his new partner well enough to get into any sort of groove which meant they had bumped into each other more than once, and for once, Chimney had been the one driving which to him, made little sense.

It wasn’t what he was used to.

And he liked the way things had been. He liked that it was Bobby as their Captain, Buck and Eddie as their brave but reckless firefighters and he and Hen as the kick ass paramedics who managed, more often than not, to save the day. He liked the team dynamic, that they were a family. Now he had to leave his actual family to come back to a broken one.

“Are you alright?” It’s Bobby who breaks his thoughts, causing Chimney to look up from his phone he had been staring at - a photo of a grinning Maddie and sleeping Amelia looking back at him; the only thing keeping him sane throughout the entire day. Alongside the constant texts from an also anxious Maddie, who was getting through her first day at home without him.

“It’s just… harder than I thought it would be?” He thinks about lying, for just a second, but instead, seeing the look in Bobby’s eyes, he knows it won’t hurt to actually tell the truth. “I-I knew leaving Maddie and Amelia would be hard, they’re all I’ve thought about all day but… Hen isn’t here and I feel emptier than I thought I would? I know that sounds stupid, she was gone before I left but—I feel like I’m trying to find my rhythm and I needed her here.”

Bobby only partly understands, Chimney knows this – he knows how it feels to come back to work after a few weeks in a baby bubble. He doesn’t fully understand how his anxiety is in over-drive right then, feeling rusty, double guessing every single decision he’s made that day, wondering if he’s done the right thing, if he took too much time off or not enough time. “I know Hen loved working with you and I also know that Gareth will too. It took a lot of time and effort to gain the friendship and trust you had with Hen, you’re not just going to get that with someone else straight away.”

Maddie had said the same thing when he had expressed the same fears to her the night before. And he knew that they were both right but it didn’t do anything to alleviate the concerns running through his head right then. He shrugs his shoulders, “I just feel overwhelmed with how much I have to miss today, you know? I miss Hen, I miss Maddie, I miss Amelia, I miss the way things used to be, I miss holding my baby girl and it’s only been ten hours. There’s so much to miss and… I can’t see how it gets any easier?”

He’s surprised when an arm wraps around his shoulders, a hand giving his arm a tight squeeze, “It does get easier. It’s never _easy_ but you start to get excited for the end of the day when you can get home to the people you love, you find you’ll fight even harder to get home to them. And you haven’t lost Hen, she’s still your best friend and not working together will never change that. You’ve just got to find a new kind of working relationship and that’ll take time. Can I give you some feedback?”

“If I said no, you’ll tell me anyway so go ahead.” Chimney lets out a small laugh, unsure on what’s going to come out of the mans mouth in that moment, but knows he will respect it whatever it is.

“You have seniority, if you want to be in the back with the patient, then that’s where you should be. Don’t let anyone push you aside, set the boundaries now. I trust you entirely to run the show, I don’t want to see you pushing your own feelings and thoughts aside because you think it’s easier.” It’s a fair observation, he knows that he’s been finding it easier to appease the other man the entire day, despite the fact his own experience vastly outweighs his.

“And also, it helps to talk about it. About everything – Hen included – but mostly about Amelia and Maddie, you haven’t showed anyone pictures all day, we half expected you to come in with a million stories and thousands of photos.”

This time his laugh is genuine, loud as he smiles, he knows Buck has probably shown them every single photo Maddie and Chimney have ever sent the new Uncle but he doesn’t hesitate to unlock his phone and open up the photo album, easily revealing at least a thousand photos of the little girl who had only been in the world a month. “I’m not sure I can look at them without crying,” He nervously admits, “I feel like a piece of my heart has been ripped out and I won’t get it back until I’m back home with them. Which sounds stupid, I know they’re both doing absolutely fine without me but—”

“But you love them and that’s nothing to be ashamed of. And if you cry, then you cry—it doesn’t make you weak.” Gentle hands move to take the phone from Chimney’s trembling fingers, a grin on the Captain’s face when he scrolls through, “Look, why don’t you head off early? Just this one time. We’re having a quiet night and I got backup if I need it. The first shift is the hardest but you got through it. You did good, Chim.”

He hates how three words can cause some of the uneasiness to lift, but coming from the man he respects so much, it means a lot more than he can express. “Thanks, I’ll uh—I’ll come in with a whole new mindset tomorrow, I promise.” He just really needs to see his girls, and he knows he can make it home in ten minutes which will leave him half an hour before they put the baby down for the night.

“I’m always here, I’m not Hen or Maddie, but I’m here.”


End file.
